Thursday, Dec 18, 2008

I was on travel with RW (our old branch manager). For some reason I took J. Not sure why, but he was definitely there. And strangely, I wasn't sharing a room with J; I was sharing a room with RW. Maybe I was just IN RW's room. I'm not sure. But my things were there and I had a key to his room. (I'm not sure what this says about my relationship with J, but I think it just points out that Richard trusted me with just about everything and I felt the need to be there for him at any cost.)

I don't remember the first day of our training, but I know that it was behind us. Today was Day 2. I was in an elevator with RW and we were on our way to our training class. The elevator was moving and I was leaning on a railing. Not a railing that you find on the walls of the elevator; this one was right in front of the doors. We couldn't have gotten out if the doors opened because of this railing. And I was leaning forward against it, like I was looking through the doors. It was then that Richard came up behind me and held me close to him. I could feel his body touching mind from my head to my feet. (I picture him holding onto me like a three-year-old girl holds a very soft teddy bear or a non-swimmer clutching a life raft. I honestly don't know which is more appropriate. But don't think that something more sexually violent didn't cross my mind.) I asked him to let me go, but he didn't. I think he thought I was just being coy. So more forcefully, I told him that I didn't like it and wanted him to let me go right now. He didn't say a word and still didn't let me go. I finally yelled out that he had two seconds to let me go or I was screaming bloody murder. I then counted "One Mississippi, two Mississippi." He didn't let go immediately. So, I screamed out for help. Very loudly. This seemed to make the elevator doors open. The railing had disappeared and I was practically thrown out of the elevator. I don't remember RW pushing me out, but perhaps he did. (I equate this to RW's ability to toss us aside when we're of no use to him.) Thankfully, RW didn't follow me.

Now I was outdoors and naked. I don't remember being naked IN the elevator, but I sure was now. And I don't know why I wasn't in a hallway instead of outside, but I was. (I think this illustrates how absolutely vulnerable I was to the entire situation.) I quickly asked a couple of teenage girls if they had a jacket or something that I could wrap up in. They didn't, but turned to a teenage boy for his jacket. As I was wrapping his jacket around me, I remember staring into his face. Without saying a word, I conveyed a heart-felt thank you, but I also wanted to memorize his face so that I knew who to return the jacket to once I no longer needed it. I didn't recognize any of kids, but I remember thinking that they were so mature and grown-up, not pointing and laughing, but being as helpful as they could. I was touched. (I think this represents my need to have someone there who was 'good', kind to the core.)

The next thing I know, I'm back in the hotel heading up to RW's room so that I can get dressed and pack up my things. I even remember putting on black and silver striped spandex shorts under my pants. (I have no idea why!) Then I went to work…the office. In my dream, I didn't think it was strange that I could be on travel and that close to the office at the same time. I was sitting in 'the girls' cubicle (Wendy and Cheryl, of course). My plan was to vent about the situation. But they were hard at work on something and I didn’t want to interrupt them. Then Kim walked in. She was surprised to see me as I was supposed to be on travel. I quickly told her that I needed to get away from RW as he had accosted me. (That's the word I used in my dream.) Kim said that she'd handle it, but that she was working a hot issue with Wendy and Cheryl and would get to it as soon as she could.

I then was trying to figure out how to get back to my travel location, get my things out of RW's room and into J's room, and not miss my afternoon training session -- all without running into RW. While processing this, I realized that I was no longer in Wendy and Cheryl's cubicle; I was at my parents' house. I even remember thinking that even if I got back to where my training was, I wouldn't have a vehicle to get around in. That's when my mom reminded me that J and I drove out there. So, I'd have a car…but I don't think I know how to get from the hotel to the training class. About that time, a bus pulled up in front of the house. I just 'knew' that my friend Brandi was on the bus and for some reason I just 'knew' that she needed to head in the same direction as my training class, so I could follow her. So, I ran out to the bus to look for her, but the people on the bus told me she wasn't there today. (This is me feeling lost, confused, and overwhelmed.)

As part of a different conversation at my parents', my sister said that she thought that our older brother Alan was getting us little Angel game controllers for Christmas. I confirmed that to be true because I had actually seen them…small, round, fuzzy, and cute. My dad tried to quiet me from spoiling the surprise on Alan's gift. So, I tried to change my story, but it was too late. (I don't have any idea what this is all about…distracted by something shiny, perhaps?)

Eventually, I had to return to my travel location. So, my mom and my little brother agreed to help me get there. The three of us and J (I don't know how/when he got there) were in my mom's convertible with the top down and the windows up. My mom has no such vehicle. After a bit, we chose to take a left on a narrow street. (Wrong turn? Bad choice?) The car didn't fit down that street, so we had to walk. We got to one particular intersection where my mom pointed out that there were no traffic signs or lights. So, our decision to cross would be dangerous. But we did it anyway. Even my mom was running across the street. (Again, going against the norm, bad decision?)

The next thing I remember, I was in my cubicle. (When all else fails, just get back to work!) DW (our new branch manager) walked past and noticed that I was here. He asked me where the heck I'd been, that there was a lot to do and it wasn't getting done in my absence. He was sarcastic and angry, swinging his arms around, eyes bulging out, speaking loudly without yelling, telling me that I was totally dropping the ball. I just remember thinking that I was actually doing work things, just for a different boss…a boss that tried to take advantage of me and hurt me. (This is me feeling like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.)

Then my alarm woke me up so that I could go to work.

Wednesday, Dec 17, 2008

I was driving J to school. We were in a car that was the same color as my car, but not the same make and model. It was much sportier, a Camaro maybe. I just remember that I kept noticing the hood as I was driving. At one point, I was sitting at a stoplight, waiting to turn left. Jeff wanted to go over to the Burger King to get something to drink. So, while I was sitting there, he walked right over there, across traffic and into the restaurant. I kept thinking that the light was going to turn green before he got back. THEN what was I going to do.

Needless to say, the light turned green and J was still in the restaurant getting something to drink. I knew that if I turned left, I'd be going further away from him. So, I waited as long as I could, then I drove straight through the light, breaking a law to avoid upsetting J. Once I was through the intersection, I stopped…right there in the middle of the road…waiting on J. I knew I was not in a place I was supposed to be. But I figured there would be more chance that he'd see me there than if I kept driving. I just kept pleading for him to hurry up so that I could get out of the middle of the road.

Finally, he showed up in the parking lot. But he had to wait on traffic to get to my car. It seemed to take forever and I was getting very frustrated. I'm sure he wanted me to swing by and pick him up, but there was no graceful way to accomplish that. So, I waited…in the middle of the road. He eventually got in my car. The first thing I noticed was that he had the biggest possible cup of coke. Excess. J is all about excess.

My next goal was to try to get back to the school. This is where I started to lose it. I was over-reacting to everything, expecting the worst to come from every decision that I made. I just wanted it all to be over. Finally, I got to the correct road. But instead of slowly following the car in front of me, I started to come up on it, along it's driver's side. I shouldn't have. I knew I was doing something wrong. J knew I was doing something wrong. He even asked me why I was doing it. All I said was that I was trying to get AWAY from the other car. But I assure you, that's not at all how it looked…or felt.

Ultimately, I veered left across incoming traffic and into the grass, swerved around a couple of trees, just to get to the school parking lot. Because of a creek, I couldn't do that. J was so embarrassed that he got out of the car and walked the rest of the way. I then turned around and made my way back to the road. I fully expected to be pulled over and was already developing 'my story' in my head. But I wasn't pulled over at all. Instead, I was emotionally falling apart because of the whole situation.

That's all I remember.